From an email written to my Men’s Group on 05/11/11 , my 35th brithday.
Hey fellas, (kendra cc’d)
I am feeling deep gratitude for you guys right now.
I appreciate your contributions to the gift Kendra gave me. That was the best gift she could have possibly given me and your words made a huge impact on me.
As I read through that journal, I was noticing something in me not allowing the words to get in. Or maybe it was not letting my emotional response to get out. As I noticed this phenomenon, I wanted to drop it, to let down the armor or whatever, but the pattern was gonna do what the pattern was gonna do.
I could feel something welling up, in my chest. Something warm.
On my drive to work, I felt like gifting myself something. Like taking it easy and just doing what I want. I stopped in to Pekoe and got a coffee, and casually walked in the rain back to the truck, with a sort of existential melancholy mixed with love.
The welling was still there.
When I started the truck an old familiar song was on the radio, I took a sip of the tasty brew,
and burst into tears.
I am feeling more love that I have ever felt in my life right now, and feeling the truth of it all slipping away, as all life does.
The commemoration of my birth is the sunny side of the reality of my finitude, of the impermanence of all things.
I miss my youth. I miss a body that was invincible, that would heal in a matter of hours, that could handle anything I threw at it and more. I feel like I did not take full advantage of that gift, that I took it for granted, that I wasted it. I feel sad, knowing that I am walking across the plateau of mortality, that this beautiful vista will not go any higher, and will not last.
I want you to help me.
Will you help me?
ha ha ha ha ha! Play that at your workshops!
I never was a huge
Black Sabbath Ozzy fan, but that song always came into my head when I would ride my mountain bike down keystone…at about 50mph. I never seemed to go off the rails with that soundtrack. I loved doing that, pushing that edge, mastering body and machine. I was good.
The bittersweet reality is that those days are over. I am something new now, in many ways equally exciting. I feel a whole lot bigger than any anti-social ski-bum extreme-sports unsung-her0, and yet I mourn for that man, whose sun is setting.
I know that my sporting days are not over by any stretch, and I will continue to push that edge until they put me away, used up and worn out, but I mourn the fading of the invincibility of that young man.
Today I celebrate the birth of The New Man, the Casey Capshaw that is only a few years old, yet contains multitudes.The Casey that has the ability to feel, to see, to love. The Casey Capshaw that has not yet begun to fight, has not yet begun to make his impression on this tiny world.
Thank you for celebrating with me,