Brotherhood

From an email written to my Men’s Group on 05/11/11 , my 35th brithday.

Hey fellas,  (kendra cc’d)

I am feeling deep gratitude for you guys right now.

I appreciate your contributions to the gift Kendra gave me.  That was the best gift she could have possibly given me and your words made a huge impact on me.

As I read through that journal, I was noticing something in me not allowing the words to get in.  Or maybe it was not letting my emotional response to get out.  As I noticed this phenomenon, I wanted to drop it, to let down the armor or whatever, but the pattern was gonna do what the pattern was gonna do.

I could feel something welling up, in my chest.  Something warm.

On my drive to work, I felt like gifting myself something.  Like taking it easy and just doing what I want.  I stopped in to Pekoe and got a coffee, and casually walked in the rain back to the truck, with a sort of existential melancholy mixed with love.

The welling was still there.

When I started the truck an old familiar song was on the radio, I took a sip of the tasty brew,

and burst into tears.

I am feeling more love that I have ever felt in my life right now, and feeling the truth of it all slipping away, as all life does.

The commemoration of my birth is the sunny side of the reality of my finitude, of the impermanence of all things.

I miss my youth.  I miss a body that was invincible, that would heal in a matter of hours, that could handle anything I threw at it and more.   I feel like I did not take full advantage of that gift, that I took it for granted, that I wasted it.  I feel sad, knowing that I am walking across the plateau of mortality, that this beautiful vista will not go any higher, and will not last.

As I write this, tears fill my eyes and I am overwhelmed by my will.  I want to live.  I want to love!  I want to serve!  I want it all!

I want you to help me.

Will you help me?

…oh yeah, that song, on the radio….Black Sabbath Ozzy Osbourne – Crazy Train.

ha ha ha ha ha!  Play that at your workshops! 🙂

I never was a huge Black Sabbath Ozzy fan, but that song always came into my head when I would ride my mountain bike down keystone…at about 50mph. I never seemed to go off the rails with that soundtrack.  I loved doing that, pushing that edge, mastering body and machine.   I was good.

The bittersweet reality is that those days are over.  I am something new now, in many ways equally exciting. I feel a whole lot bigger than any anti-social ski-bum extreme-sports unsung-her0, and yet I mourn for that man, whose sun is setting.

I know that my sporting days are not over by any stretch, and I will continue to push that edge until they put me away, used up and worn out, but I mourn the fading of the invincibility of that young man.

Today I celebrate the birth of The New Man, the Casey Capshaw that is only a few years old, yet contains multitudes.The Casey that has the ability to feel, to see, to love.  The Casey Capshaw that has not yet begun to fight, has not yet begun to make his impression on this tiny world.

Thank you for celebrating with me,

case

Brotherhood

7 Responses

  1. Love it Bro. Thanks for sharing yourself with us! I know of a huge, beast of a loving man called Casey. If there is more to surface and give to the world than I say watch out world! I support you always! Much love to you on your birthday! – Max

    Maximus the Great May 11, 2011 at 10:57 am #
  2. I love that man that I’m seeing and I’m honored to be in witness of you.

    Thank you Casey!

    Blessings

    Tom

    Tom Lietaert June 14, 2011 at 10:16 am #
  3. @tom, thanks brother. I am testing out this loyalty program software. did you get offered to join when you made this comment?

    Casey June 14, 2011 at 12:19 pm #
  4. Thank you Casey for sharing what you did! As I read those profound words, I experienced tears as well. There is nothing we can do to slow down the aging process, and to be truthful, I most certainly would not want to. I have begun to enjoy my imperfections and all that goes into making me the person/man I am today. I love who I am and what I am becoming; a more sensitive, loving person in a world than needs more of the honesty and love you share!

    Today, I am grateful for discovering your “place” here on the net and for the words shared. I am gateful for this journey called life! Peace be our journey!

    Chan-Do June 30, 2011 at 8:44 am #
  5. Chan-Do, I am happy you resonated with what I shared here. Peace be the journey indeed 🙂

    Casey June 30, 2011 at 12:14 pm #
  6. Casey, I just read your words and they truly touched my heart. Having been in Panama for the past two years, away from my old life of Aikido, I too feel time passing and the incapacity to slow it down. Thanks for sharing a bit of your soul….and congratulations is in order I think I saw in Kendra’s page that you are engaged! When is that beautiful day?

    Abel Villacorta August 6, 2011 at 10:45 pm #
  7. Thank you Sensei 🙂 Miss you here in Boulder. I could use some ki breathing practice right now 🙂 I am really glad to have connected with you via my writing. Sending love to you and your family.

    oh, and not sure on the date of the wedding just yet 🙂

    Casey August 8, 2011 at 8:17 am #

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