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Not Knowing

The only intellectually responsible position we can possibly take is not knowing. ~Casey Capshaw

I have self described as agnostic for about as long as I can remember. As opposed to atheism, agnosticism postulates: how could I possibly know that there is or is not a god(or any number of other religious beliefs)? These things are unknowable given available evidence.

Always seemed like a reasonable position to me, though Buddhist practice has rounded off the edges a bit, offering an injunction or experiment aimed at testing at least one type of knowing—A truth about the absolute nature of reality.

In Zen, the practice of insight is complimented with the practice of beginner’s mind.

As my practice in Buddhism has deepened over the years, this concept of “not knowing” or “beginner’s mind” has rung an increasingly deep bell in me. I am beginning to see how the concepts and ideas about our reality calcify and form a delusional veil over experience that, in spite of their best efforts to serve, actually limit the fullness of our human experience.

The truth is, whatever I think about what is going on around me—whatever I think I know— are merely concepts, ideas, and imaginings.

These concepts, ideas, predictions or imaginings about reality in this moment are mere projections derived from past experiences mixed with egoic preferences.

In this truth, the only intellectually responsible position we can possibly take in any moment is not knowing

Who am I? Not Knowing.

As I have sat with not knowing as a practice its wisdom has crept deep into my being and is infused in everything I see and do.

At the Integral Center, we facilitate a practice called Circling that is all about getting someone’s world — truly seeing them. The experience of really being seen has a profound impact on me and others engaging in this practice.

For me, this insight around not knowing has a profound impact on my experience of connecting with others. From “not knowing,” an almost childlike curiosity arises in each and every moment. I put my “Self” aside and really get what it is like to be someone else, in as deep a way as I have ever experienced.

For me, it really does seem like the older I get, the less I know. I am totally cool with that.

Material Fixation

One of the nice benefits of web building is that my craft is easily tradable. My latest trade has resulted in one of the most beautiful material creations I have ever seen.

My new telemark skis are the compilation of local art, local design, and local manufacture.

A couple years ago,in one of my all-time favorite projects, I build a site of Bryce Widom in trade for my favorite painting of his, “The Samurai.”

A while back, a Summit County Colorado company began making very high-performance telemark bindings out of billet aluminum. At the time, Bomber Bishop bindings were revolutionary in the telemark world. I picked up a beautiful pair of these back then. Unfortunately, they are no longer in production, but they are an engineering masterpiece.

Over a decade ago, in my ski bum days, I had a fellow bus driver named ScottyBob Carlson. In a crew where eccentricity was the norm, ScottyBob was a standout. Matching beard and Ponytail, pack of cigarettes a day, sour attitude towards tourists…ScottyBob was/is the consummate mountain man. Not a day went by that ScottyBob was not out on the mountain, carving perfect tele turns as if nothing else on earth mattered.

Scotty was always a bit different than most of the tele guys. He saw the benefits of the deep sidecut ski when all the K2’s we still board-straight. He also had the insight about asymmetrical edges that would later evolve into the “BobTail” patent that he has built a custom ski building business around.

I’ll be helping ScottyBob Skiworks with some website stuff and in trade, Scotty handcrafted me these beasts of the powder.

These skis are so pretty, I almost don’t want to even ski them, just let them hang on the wall in all their glory…almost. They are the product of the dedicated craftsmanship of Bryce, Bomber, and ScottyBob. What a great way to indulge a little materialism 🙂

Neural charge workout for increased productivity.

One of the biggest challenges I face as an information worker is motivation and the physical and mental drain of sitting in front of a computer all day. I have been experimenting with all manner of practices, techniques and methods to maintain a healthy degree of productivity, while honoring my body and balancing my life.

I recently discovered CNS(Central Nervous System) training theory, the idea that strength training should focus on training the explosive power of nervous system as opposed to fatiguing and tearing down muscles. Props to Rob McNamara and Claud Von Schroder for turning me on to this 🙂

I am excited about this training ideology for all sorts of reasons and it seems to be the leading edge in terms of physical body training and strength.

One of the pieces of this training method as outlined by Christian Thibaudeau of T-nation is the Neural Charge workout.

This video outlines a short Neural Charge circuit that can be done really anywhere in 15-20 minutes. They use a medicine ball in this one but that is the only equipment needed.

Neural Charge Circuit

My vision is to apply this training method to personal productivity. Try one of these at the start of the work day or midday before a productivity cycle.

In my experience, this type of workout leaves me feeling energized, alert and embodied unlike anything else I have tried. Normal workouts leave me tired at the end and wanting to take a nap. The Neural Charge circuit has the opposite effect, and really has me feeling in my body and ready to rock.

I have been playing with the 90 minute productivity cycle for a while with great result. Adding this Neural charge circuit in the middle of 2 cycles feels to me like a recipe for unreasonable success 😉

I’d love to hear thoughts on this idea or your experience with CNS training.


From an email written to my Men’s Group on 05/11/11 , my 35th brithday.

Hey fellas,  (kendra cc’d)

I am feeling deep gratitude for you guys right now.

I appreciate your contributions to the gift Kendra gave me.  That was the best gift she could have possibly given me and your words made a huge impact on me.

As I read through that journal, I was noticing something in me not allowing the words to get in.  Or maybe it was not letting my emotional response to get out.  As I noticed this phenomenon, I wanted to drop it, to let down the armor or whatever, but the pattern was gonna do what the pattern was gonna do.

I could feel something welling up, in my chest.  Something warm.

On my drive to work, I felt like gifting myself something.  Like taking it easy and just doing what I want.  I stopped in to Pekoe and got a coffee, and casually walked in the rain back to the truck, with a sort of existential melancholy mixed with love.

The welling was still there.

When I started the truck an old familiar song was on the radio, I took a sip of the tasty brew,

and burst into tears.

I am feeling more love that I have ever felt in my life right now, and feeling the truth of it all slipping away, as all life does.

The commemoration of my birth is the sunny side of the reality of my finitude, of the impermanence of all things.

I miss my youth.  I miss a body that was invincible, that would heal in a matter of hours, that could handle anything I threw at it and more.   I feel like I did not take full advantage of that gift, that I took it for granted, that I wasted it.  I feel sad, knowing that I am walking across the plateau of mortality, that this beautiful vista will not go any higher, and will not last.

As I write this, tears fill my eyes and I am overwhelmed by my will.  I want to live.  I want to love!  I want to serve!  I want it all!

I want you to help me.

Will you help me?

…oh yeah, that song, on the radio….Black Sabbath Ozzy Osbourne – Crazy Train.

ha ha ha ha ha!  Play that at your workshops! 🙂

I never was a huge Black Sabbath Ozzy fan, but that song always came into my head when I would ride my mountain bike down keystone…at about 50mph. I never seemed to go off the rails with that soundtrack.  I loved doing that, pushing that edge, mastering body and machine.   I was good.

The bittersweet reality is that those days are over.  I am something new now, in many ways equally exciting. I feel a whole lot bigger than any anti-social ski-bum extreme-sports unsung-her0, and yet I mourn for that man, whose sun is setting.

I know that my sporting days are not over by any stretch, and I will continue to push that edge until they put me away, used up and worn out, but I mourn the fading of the invincibility of that young man.

Today I celebrate the birth of The New Man, the Casey Capshaw that is only a few years old, yet contains multitudes.The Casey that has the ability to feel, to see, to love.  The Casey Capshaw that has not yet begun to fight, has not yet begun to make his impression on this tiny world.

Thank you for celebrating with me,


J.J. Flizanes latest book, featuring me :)

Author and Fitness/personal coach J.J. Flizanes’ latest book was release a few weeks ago, and I have been meaning to blog about it.

I know about J.J. because she found me through Facebook after my post on love.  She liked what I had to say and wanted to include my perspective in her book.  Sure 🙂

We had a loose interview over the phone and she combined that, with content for her new book, Fit 2 Love.  The book is written for women, ready to do explore what has been holding them back from finding that special someone.  I am all for that.

I am really happy my experience and writing is out there in the world and grateful for any benefit that comes of it 🙂

Get the book here as well as a few goodies.



on fear.

I want to explore fear and a bit about how it shows up in our modern lives, but first a little background on where we came from.

the roots…

Depending on your sources and the criteria for measurement, modern humans as we know them emerged on the scene between 100 and 200 thousand years ago. These early humans enjoyed one or two hundred thousand years of hunter-gatherer evolution before the dawn of the Neolithic age and the advent of farming. About 10 thousand years of domestication in the age of agriculture—hardly enough time to get the furniture how you like it—and the Industrial Revolution comes on to totally shake things up for the human condition.
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Love and the 8-fold path that led me here

I am in love.  Humbly, overwhelmingly, completely.

This is new for me.  After decades of desire, longing for that special one, dating amazing women, and learning from deep relationships, I have arrived at that mythic destination I often lost sight of, spent immeasurable effort unconsciously avoiding and almost lost all hope for the possibility of it coming into my life.

Love songs sound different, long term plans are springing to mind spontaneously, and my world is being rocked…daily.

Reflecting on this curious state I find myself in, I realize that it is no coincidence.  I actively made this possible in my life with at least 8 important shifts.  I share them here in hope that they might serve.

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Heartsblood: Hunting, Spirituality and Wildness in America

Reading Heartsblood: Hunting, Spirituality and Wildness in America.

Many thoughts.  I will share in forthcoming posts.


Huge distinction here on the type of people that hunt. Petersen breaks it down into the three types of hunters.

Utilitarian Hunters – Hunt for food. prevalent in rural areas.

Sport Hunters – Hunt for sport. Disconnected from nature,, separate. Trophy hunters. Hunting media and the common conception of hunters by the mainstream.

Nature(natural) Hunters – Spiritual connection to nature, animals and the hunt. Deep appreciation of the primal nature of hunting and the natural world.